I ROCK TO ORANGE BOOT
Larks! Last night I rocked to top US ghost metal shoe-gaze band ORANGE BOOT, who drove to Ramsgate of Kent in their red truck of steel! Driven by a patented form of sheer antic, their uncompromising sound has been described as "a cross between a stolen garage door being manhandled up a spiral staircase and plastic trees in a light breeze". Invited personally by the Bishop of Dover who dressed for the occasion, the band played the Church of the Holy Cross and the Mother of Him
I READ ABOUT COW IN HEIST SHOCK
I see that some cow, enraged by the milko waiters who stalk her fields, has been arrested following a daring theft at a supermarket in the town of Langport of Somerset. The bovine character, who is known as RTx6540, or Marigold, entered the brightly lit market disguised as Mrs Enid Wheel (née Stone) and spent eight minutes of her life loading a basket and/or trolley with pats and/or pots of butter, cheese, yoghurt, crème fraîche and double cream. Steven Wheel (no relation) ma
I FIND A SEA CAPTAIN IN MY GARDEN
A sea captain of note, found in my vegetable garden yesterday, has been taken back to his fleet of wrecked vessels, given a glass of rum and put to bed. Known locally as Captain Richard de Levre, he explained to me that he had been looking for a mislaid anchor and some webbing, and would be returning to Plymouth of Devon directly. "We assisted a gentleman sailor who appeared somewhat distressed," PC Robin Season of Devonshire's police explained to the local news. "We believe
I AM BOTHERED BY FABRIC DOGS
Some days I head to a beach where people walk pets, and today I was bothered by fabric dogs. Obviously some of them were of soft wool and easy, but others had a mean approach and more bite than gerbils on acid. I fought them with my sandwich but it was to no avail, for when I reached the beach they regrouped and chased me onto the pier. As the pier is of slatted wood I had an advantage because their paws became stuck between the slats, and they found no purchase. So I then to
I NOTE LYME REGIS WILL HOST PARLY OF BRASS
I can report that once again, the UK's Parly of Brass has chosen Lyme Regis of Dorset as the venue for its annual conference and picnic. To be held in the award-winning Regis International Centre and various other locations, and featuring keynote speeches from Iris Sweep OBE and Rachel Spank, it will be the third time in four years that the conference has been held in the town. "We always enjoy coming to Lyme," explained Ms Spank, "and as with our previous visits, we will be
I HEAR THAT QUEEN VISITS FARMER HERE
Yes. Following her successful visit to the castles of Bristol, the Queen spent yesterday with Bill Plaice of Charmouth in the county of Dorset. A grower of beets and keeper of the sheep, Mr Plaice entertained his royal visitor in a guest paddock caravan reserved for occasions. Carefully sited in a discrete field and away from the prying eyes of the chamber of vicars who keep a house of prayer in Whitchurch Canonicorum, her Majesty spent over three hours discussing pigeon raci
I SEE DEVON PORKER WINS GLOBAL TAIL PRIZE
I see that a fabulous porker from Okehampton of Devon has won the prestigious 'Curliest Tail of the Globe' prize in a biting bacon-off at the prestigious award-giving gong-bang in Paris of France. Known to his friends as Reg but to the wider chop-loving community as Reginaldo de Blitz out of Wilberforce of Sweetheart-Twitch, the bruising brute of a boar gave a blinding acceptance speech that not only astonished the assembled swine fanciers, but also gave them pause. Thanking
