I CONTINUE EAST

I TRAVEL EAST

I BUY A FISH

I AM TIRED OF POOR UMBRELLAS

I ROCK TO ORANGE BOOT

I READ ABOUT COW IN HEIST SHOCK

I FIND A SEA CAPTAIN IN MY GARDEN

I AM BOTHERED BY FABRIC DOGS

I NOTE LYME REGIS WILL HOST PARLY OF BRASS

I HEAR THAT QUEEN VISITS FARMER HERE

I SEE DEVON PORKER WINS GLOBAL TAIL PRIZE

I see that a fabulous porker from Okehampton of Devon has won the prestigious 'Curliest Tail of the Globe' prize in a biting bacon-off at the prestigious award-giving gong-bang in Paris of France.

Known to his friends as Reg but to the wider chop-loving community as Reginaldo de Blitz out of Wilberforce of Sweetheart-Twitch, the bruising brute of a boar gave a blinding acceptance speech that not only astonished the assembled swine fanciers, but also gave them pause.

Thanking his mother and his farmer for their inspiration and good teeth, he channeled Ghandi as he pleaded with the butchers on tables 12, 14, 16 and 34 to take their wallets and stuff them but in a non-violent way.